Boobey Road

1. MOTHER'S SEARS AND ROEBUCK CATALOG

It was many years ago when they
Sent the catalog that made my day!
It was in it that a boy like me
Viewed a notch below nudity!
Now may I please suggest to you
The woman on page eighty-three
Of mother's Sears and Roebuck Catalog!!!

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My Mother's Sears and Roebuck Catalog!
The only catalog for boys!
Mother's Sears and Roebuck Catalog!
A one-stop-shop for tits and toys!!
Mother's Sears and Roebuck
Mother's Sears and Roebuck
Mother's Sears and Roebuck Cat-a-Log!

For pre-pubescent urges
It's certainly a thrill
The lingerie was not the best
But I CAN ALMOST SEE HER BREASTS
YES I CAN ALMOST SEE....(*gasp*)!!!

Well I've probably gone and said too much
And I'm sounding old and out of touch
But in that glossy print was born
Appreciation of the female form
The fateful day I introduced
The one and only Rosy Palm
To Mother's Sears and Roebuck Catalog!! Yeah!!!

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE TWINS

Rosy Palm!
What can I do when I’m feeling so blue?
When the world is weighing down on me?
Take off your shirt and I’ll loosen your bra
As I’ll nestle my head in between…

Oh, I get by with a little help from the twins!
Oh, I would cry without help from the twins!
Girl, I would die without help from your twins…

What can I do when I’ve had a hard day?
(You can use the internet at home!)
No substitute can keep my blues away
(We can text some pictures to your phone!)

No! I’ll get by with a little help from the twins
Oh, gonna cry without help from the twins
Yes, I could die without help from your twins…

(Could it be anybody's?)
My girl’s got really nice jugs!
(We’ve seen her, she’s a hottie!)
My girl has really great jugs!!

(Would it relieve you at only the sight?)
To a certain degree but only for a time
(What do you think about all day and night?)
Her bosom buddies give me peace of mind!

Yes, I get by with a little help from the twins!
Yeah, I would cry without help from the twins!
Oh, I would die without help from your twins…

(Could it be anybody's?)
My girl’s got really nice jugs!
(What if you’re feeling naughty?)
My girl has really great jugs!!

Oh, I get by with a little help from the twins
Yes, I would die without help from the twins
Oh, feelin’ fine with a little help from the twins
Yes, I won’t lie, I need help from your twins,
A little help from your twiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!!

​

3. LUCY IS A GUY WITH FALSIES

Picture yourself in a bar on a Tuesday with Hindenburg dreams and beer-goggle eyes...
Two barstools down is a gal that is sporting a chest of unusual size!
Angora sweater all fuzzy and pink, pulled tightly over her breasts...
Just like the girl in the Jugs Magazine, but you're wrong....

Lucy is a guy with falsies!
Lucy is a guy with falsies!
Lucy is a guy with falsies... ahhhh, ahhhhh!!!

Swallow them down, beers and shots by the gallon... she's hard on the peepers, but she's yours tonight!
Can't help but smile as you stare at the Tetons that soon you are hoping to hike!
Hailing a taxi you go for the score... taking her back to your place...
Jump in the sack as it spins and goes black until morn....

Lucy is a guy with falsies!
Lucy is a guy with falsies!
Lucy is a guy with falsies... ahhhh, ahhhhh!!!

Picture yourself the next day you awaken, with cranial clanging, with hangover prize....
Why are her breasts over there on the nightstand?
It's too late when you realize....

Lucy is a guy with falsies!
Lucy is a guy with falsies!
Lucy is a guy with falsies!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

​

4. I Am the Lard Ass

I'm a HE I'm not a SHE
I like to eat and people get confused...
They get perplexed tryin' ta figure out my sex
cuz my chest is large ...
I'm sighing.... 

​

Eating all the cornflakes and sitting on my widening bum
Ever-tightening t-shirt showing off my boobies
Getting errant cat-calls, how can people be so dumb?

​

I am a fat man!
I'm not a wo-man!
I am the LARD ASS
HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS!

​

Missus prefix, Spoken reflex
Stupid little prefix that you chose
See it in your eyes, confused and paralyzed,
See how you're wrong
I'm sighing...
I'm siiiiiiiiighing
I'm sighing
Nice tryyyyyyyyyy...

​

Modicum of comfort
Talking on the telephone
Eyes cannot deceive ya
Over the receiver
Boy you're never called a girl
when it's your voice alone.... 

​

I am the fat man!
Impressive rack-man!
I am the LARD ASS
HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS!

​

Sitting in the fast food drive thru waiting for my lunch...
If that pimpled clerk says, "Thank you, ma'am," then this burger's going in his face... 

​

I am a big man!
Eat like a pig, man!
I am the LARD ASS
HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS, HUGE HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS!

​

Mister, sister, mother, brother
Choose one or the other, how'd you do?
Deceive your eyes, is it girl or is it guy, see how they tried
I'm sighing.... 

​

Episode of Seinfeld... 
living each and every hour
Maybe I can tame them like Mister Costanza
Calling Kosmo Kramer, can you make this man a bro?

​

I am the fat man!
I'm shaped like Pac-Man!
I am the LARD ASS
HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS, HUGE HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS
HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS, HUGE HUGE DUDE WITH BOOBS WITH BOOBS.... 

Huge-a! Huge-a! Huge-a! Huge-a! Boob-a, Boob-a, Boob-a!

5. BUYING BRASSIERES TOGETHER

Someone kill me now, cuz we’re going to…
Buy some brassieres
To hold up her spheres
So I’ll just calmly pace about...

Buying brassieres together

I really hate shopping for clothes,
Especially when they’re not for me
She takes my hand and goes to the department store lingerie aisle
And I think most men will agree...

Someone kill me now, cuz we’re going to...
Buy some brassieres
They’re on sale at Sears!
So nothing to get up about...

Buying brassieres together!

It is so emasculating
Having to wait and hold her purse!
The clerk walks by and asks if I’m finding things all right
No thanks you’ve only made things worse!

Won’t you kill me now, cuz we’re going to...
Buy some brassieres
I feel so weird
So I’ll just hang my head and pout

Buying brassieres together!

”Honey does this one look alright?”
That’s what I thought she said to me...
Poke my head in the dressing room but I must’ve heard her wrong
Though I can’t tell over the screams...

Someone kill me now, cuz we’re going to...
Buy some brassieres
I’m outta here!
I’ll get the car while you check out...

Buying brassieres together!
Can’t we find something in leather?
Buying brassieres together!

​

6. Doctor Robert

Thinking of augmentation?
Doctor Robert!
Rated tops in the nation!
Doctor Robert!  Doctor Robert….

Be a new and better ma'am
With your new set of cans!
If you want your chest enhanced, call:
Doctor Robert!

If you sag he’ll lift you up!
Doctor Robert!
Make the call and increase your cup!
Doctor Robert!  Doctor Robert….

He's the man who never leaves,
Ghastly scars or unsightly seams!
He has special financing!
Doctor Robert!

Other offers you may find...
Doctor Bob will match them….
Doctor Robert!

My friend worked on the Baywatch set:
Doctor Robert!
He’s built most of the Penthouse Pets:
Doctor Robert!  Doctor Robert….

Build a new and better ma’am
With a new set of cans!
He’ll enhance your mamm’ry glands:
Doc Robert!

Well, well, well you’re looking fine!
Well, well, well he’s made you…
Doctor Robert!

Thinking of augmentation?
Doctor Robert!
Rated tops in the nation!
Doctor Robert!
Doctor Robert!

​

7. BREAST REDUCTION

​

Wife:  "Ugh, my back is KILLING me!  I wonder if that Dr. Robert does reductions too?"
Husband:  "Wait... did she just say what I think she....
No!  NO!  NOOOOOOOO!!!...."

​

You say you want a breast reduction,
Oh hell no!  We don't wanna change ya girl!
You tell me they've outgrown their function
Oh hell no!  We don't wanna change ya girl!

And when you talk of reconstruction
Bigger and better's what it's all about!

Don't you know those double D's... are fine!
so fine... all mine!....
 
You say that they've become obstructions
Oh hell no!  Some would kill to have your cans!
You ask me where I get the gumption
Oh well, ya know...  Have you noticed I'm a man?

But take some time honey and think before you deflate
of all of the flat-chested girls who would like your fate....

Don't you know those double D's... are fine!
so fine... all mine!....
 
You say, "Don't make a big production"
Oh hell no!  Girl I might as well be dead!
You tell me it's just liposuction
Oh hell no! Why not decrease your thighs instead?

Cuz girl if you carry on bitchin’ how you’re endowed
I may as well go get my milk from another cow, yeah…

Don't you know those double D's... are fine!
so fine... all mine...!

all mine, all mine, all mine,
all mine, all mine, all mine!

​

Wife:  "I'm sorry babe... did you say something?"
Husband:  "Uhhh... I said, 'I love you no matter what you decide!'"
Wife:  "Aw, you're sweet."
*Smooch!*

​

8. Have Natural E's

Girls wanna show me all their boobies!
They wanna make a husband out of me!
I might give in if you've got what I am wanting...
All you gotta do is have Natural Es!

Well I like them, as big as a small car
but not artificial, I can always tell!
Your boobies hold the key, into my heart...
But only if they're large as hell!!!

Well I hope you'll come and show me all your boobies!
So I can find the perfect girl for me.
The biggest boobs and someone I can call mine...
All you gotta do is have Natural Es!

Don't think of me, as just shallow and horny,
A superficial moron or a sleaze.
I trust my heart but my loins get first refusal...
All you gotta do is have Natural Es!

Well I like them, as big as a small car!
Not artificial, I can always tell!
Your boobies hold the key, into my heart...
But only if they're large as hell!!!

Well I hope you'll come and show me all your boobies!
So I can find the perfect girl for me!
The biggest boobs and someone I can call mine...
All you gotta do is have Natural Es!

​

9. Playboy Stats Writer

​

Well her fold-out photo's an arousing thing,
But the facts below aren't very int'resting!
Placed in the center of a mag by Hef
She could use some depth,
So I want to be a Playboy stats writer... 
Playboy stats writer!

​

Not the dirty stories, not the raunchy gags
Or the hard-core porn like in the other mags,
Just the slight embellishment of stated facts
You airbrush her rack, 
While I do the job of Playboy stats writer… 
Playboy stats writer!

Playboy stats writer….

​

The space is tiny and the words are few
But promoting her is what I’ve got to do!
I can sell the fantasy and hype her while
She takes off her clothes, 
if you’ll let me be a Playboy stats writer…

Playboy stats writer!!

​

We can say she's a judo trainer in Japan,
It's much better than waitress from Michigan!
I can brain the beauty, I know all the tricks,
I'll work 36, 24, 36
As Playboy stats writer...

Playboy stats writer!!!

​

Playboy stats writer..... Woo-hoo, this is gonna be the best. job. EVER!....

​

10. Eleanor Bigteats (excerpt)

​

I look at her thru this small peephole....
I look at her thru this small peephole....

Eleanor Bigteats, primps in the ladies room mirror and fixes her hair… 
she's unaware
that Janitor Johnny, sits on the opposite side of the wall and just stares... 
down the blouse that she wears!

​

Ah, thru this small peephole,
The man can see it all...
Ah, thru this small peephole,
He's drilled right thru the wall!

​

I look at her thru this small peephole!
I look at her thru this small peephole!

​

11. MAXINE'S KILLER MAMMERS

John was sexual, decidedly un-ethical in all his affairs
Late nights spent with personal ads and porn.

Maxine Killermams, sporting giant sweater hams, meets him on the stairs
For a private rendezvous in his home...

But as he leads her up to his room, the girl unclasps her bra...

BOING! BOING!
Maxine's killer mammers came down around his head
BOING! BOING!
Maxine's killer mammers made sure that perv was dead!

Back online again, Maxine bides her time again uploading photos
To entice more personal inquiries.

She chooses her prey based on how perverted they speak to her online.
In her mind it's a crime she cannot let go!

And as she opens up her email, her victims are defined...
BOING! BOING!

Maxine's killer mammers came down around his head
BOING! BOING!
Maxine's killer mammers ensured that perv was dead....

EE 51s, deadlier than Tommy Guns!  Maxine's pre-disposed
To dispose of lovers by smotheri-i-i-ing!

Hefner and Larry Flint, seeking massive profits for their magazines,
Ask Maxine to pose for a few photos.

And as the camera shutter goes 'click', the girl loses her mind... 

​

BOING! BOING!
Maxine's killer mammers came down around their heads
BOING! BOING!
Maxine's killer mammers made sure those pervs were dead!
Woah woah woah oh!!!

KILL-ER-MAM-MERS YEAAAH...
BOING! BOING!

​

12. Bambi

​

Bambi, dancing,
With no top exclusively for me,
For a small fee...

​

Bambi, dancing,
Tes seins me font donner mon argent...

tout mon argent!

She'll give you, she'll give you, she'll give you...
A very nice display!
You only have to pay!
And when you do she will treat you to her special dance...

​

Bambi, dancing,
Tes seins me font donner mon argent...

tout mon argent!

​

She’ll tease you, she’ll tease you, she’ll tease you…
And if you make it rain,
She’ll never once complain!
She’ll take your cash and bare her stash for the world to see…

She’ll show you…

 

she'll pretty much show you everything!

​

My paycheck, my paycheck, my paycheck…
My paycheck’s dwindle-ing...
It’s stuffed in her G-string!
And when it’s gone she will move on to a guy with cash….

​

Bambi, dancing
Tes seins me font donner mon blah blah...tout blah blah blah...

It’s a shame she’s only game if you have cash in your hand...
My Bambi.

​

13. I Wanna See Your Cans

I wanna see your juggies, baby,     
I wanna spy your mams,
I wanna peep your hooters mama,     
I wanna see your cans!

​

I wanna peek at the puppies baby,     
Spot your sweater hams,
Whatever nomenclature lady,       
I wanna see your cans!

I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans!!

Show me both your melons, baby,    
See those butting rams,
Show me those gazongas, honey,     
I wanna see your cans!

​

I wanna ogle your orbs now baby,       
View the secret plans!
I wanna check the chi-chis, lady ,     
I wanna see your cans!

I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans!

I wanna see your juggies, baby,          
I wanna spy your mams,
I wanna peep your hooters, mama,        
I wanna see your cans!

​

I wanna peek at the puppies baby,        
Spot your sweater hams,
Whatever nomenclature lady,                
I wanna see your cans!  

​

I wanna see your cans, 
I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans,
I wanna see your cans!

​

14. OUR BOOBS (SO, SHE'S TOP HEAVY?)

(Class teacher:  Class?  Class??  Good morning class... please give your full attention to our guest speaker today for Anatomy 101, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton the Third.  Take it away, Dr....)

Well our boobs...
Our boobs are just made up of fat!
Yes our boobs...
Our boobs are just made up of fat
and tissue like that, just lobules and fat!

Said our boobs...
Our boobs are just made up of fat, eh?
Yeah our boobs...
Our boobs are just made of of fat,
What's special 'bout that?  What's special 'bout THAT?   

Well our boobs...
Our boobs are just mammary glands, see?
Yeah our boobs...
Our boobs are just mammary glands
Both woman and man, just mammary glands!

Yes our boobs!
Our boobs are just mammary glands!
Said our boobs...
Our boobs are just mammary glands
So why the demand for a pair of glands?

​

A gland is an organ in our bodies which secretes particular chemical substances for use in the body or for discharge into the surroundings......  And they dedicate entire magazines to these?

So she's...
Top-Heavy?
What's the big deal?

Why do we oversexualize and censor breasts given their true biological function?  When you get down to basics, they're simply made for feeding our young!  The nipple is not some tool of the Devil that corrupts us upon sight, why, quite the opposite!  It is the very conduit of nourishment and life itself!
Think about it, people... what's more of an affront to society:  A woman breastfeeding her child in a park, or your very large, very hairy uncle with exactly the same size breasts lounging shirtless by the community pool??  
I think you can see my point here!

So she's...
Top-heavy?
She's top-heavy.....

So your boobs...
Your boobs are just fat!
And HER boobs...
I said her boobs are just fat,
Don't treat them like that, don't treat them like that!

Said our boobs!
You know our boobs are just glands, get it?
Yeah our boobs...
You know our boobs are just glands,
Both woman and man, now you under...staaaaaaaaaand!!

So she's....
Alright, class dismissed!

​

15. BOULDER HOLDER

When we get to the bedroom I am set for a really good time,
Got my hand in your shirt and I reach 'round behind,
On your back, there's the strap
And I'm thwarted again!!! Yeah yeah!!!

Well do you have to wear this contraption?
I know it supports but it's such a distraction!
Hooks and snaps and Velcro, yeah it's more like a cruel trick...
Victoria's secret is she partnered with Rubik's!

Look out!

Boulder holder!
Boulder holder!
Boulder holder!  Yeah....

Well do you or don’t you wanna get naked?
My hand’s so contorted that I just might break it!
I’m tryin real hard but I don’t have the answer.
I’m good with my fingers but I can’t unclasp her!

This sucks!

Boulder holder!
Boulder holder!
Boulder holder!

Look out!  Cuz I’m all thumbs...

Well we’re here in the bedroom and she’s down for a really good time,
Got her skirt and her shirt off and reach 'round behind,
there's the strap, It’s a trap,
And I'm thwarted again!!! No no no nooo!!!

Do you or don’t you wanna get naked?
If it’s some kind of test then I don’t wanna take it!
It’s been 5 minutes but I don’t have the answer.
I can’t solve a puzzle while I try to romance her!

I’m done!

Boulder holder!
Boulder holder!
Boulder holder!

Look out!
Boulder Holder!
It won’t unclasp!
No it won’t......

​

I’VE GOT BRUISES ON MY EGO!

16. TWO OF THEM

"I Jiggle Piggies", by Chuck Halter and the Crop Tops. Phase Two in which Florence trains her bra...

Two of them slowly heaving as you're breathing in the air....
A and B sweetly rest there, on your chest there,
I love your bosom.  I love your bosom, I love your bosom,
Your sweet bosom!

Two of them lightly jiggling as you're giggling at my joke....
She and she turning heads, you're quite impressive!
I love your bosom.  I love your bosom, I love your bosom, 
Your sweet bosom!

I'll have the best memories...
Even if all I remember is your chest....

Two of them hanging so low when your top goes commando....

Things 1 & 2 making mischief, it's the tits with,
You and your bosom.  I love your bosom,  I love your bosom, 
Your sweet bosom!

I'll have the breast mammaries...
Even if all I remember is your chest....

Two of them in their bra-cups, smooshed and pushed up in your dress....
Everywhere you and me go we're quite the trio!
I love your bosom.  I love your bosom, I love your bosom,
Your sweet bazoooms!

Your sweet bosom.  You'd breast believe it.  HellO!

​

17. A HARD NIP'S NIGHT

Well it's a hard nip's night and I've been freezin' off my balls!
Yeah it's a hard nip's night... it looks like marbles in your bra!

But when I step out with you and see those bullets shoot thru,
It makes me warm inside!

You know what works on me is the suggestion of greater things,
and it's worth it just to briefly freeze, so I can see thru your underthings!

So why on earth should I moan, 'cause when it's twenty below, you know I feel toasty!!

When it's cold, I can still be warm inside!  Lose the coat, girl you'll be nippin' all night!  All night, yeah!!

Yeah it's a hard nip's night and I've been freezin' off my balls!
Yeah it's a hard nip's night... it looks like marbles in your bra!
But when I step out with you and see your BBs push thru,
You know I'm warm inside!

Yowwwwww!!

But when I step out with you, and those erasers bust thru,
You know I feel toasty!

When it's cold, I can still be warm inside!  Headlights on!  Girl I'll be feelin' all right!  All night, yeah!!

Well it's a hard nip's night and I've been freezin' off my balls!
Yeah it's a hard nip's night... it looks like marbles in your bra!
But when I step out with you and see those bullets shoot thru,
You know I'm warm inside!
Oh yeah I'm warm inside!
You know I'm warm inside!!!

​

18. MY EYES ARE RIGHT UP HERE 

Well we just met, online
When we swiped, to the right
And he said my looks could cause a man to stare...

Well that is a sweet thing to utter... Ooh!
But my eyes are right up here!

Well he, treated me
And we watched, a movie
But for him the plot
Was on my chest somewhere...

Hey leave something there to discover... Dude!
Cuz my eyes are right up here!

Well his eyes went zoom
straight to my bazooms
Where he held his gaze all night!

Woah I must be, quite a sight,
But only at shoulder-height!
You would think that he had never seen a pair...

Is this how you'd treat your own mother?  EW!
Cuz my eyes are right up here!

Well his eyes went zoom,
straight to my bazooms
Like a deer in my headlights!!

Woah-oh he stared at me all night
But only at shoulder-height!
You'd have thought that I had grown a head down there...

No he won't be under my covers... Who?
Cuz my eyes are right up here!
Oh yeah my eyes are right up here!
Yeah man my eyes are right up here!

​

19. ALL YOU NEED IS JUGS

Jugs, jugs, jugs
Jugs, jugs, jugs
Jugs, jugs, jugs...

There's something that you have when you're a girl
Something you can use to shape your world 
Something that you have, that just might get you free drinks at the bar...
It's easy!

There's nothing on this earth you can't possess
So go out and rock that low cut dress!
Everything can be yours, just push 'em together and cinch 'em up tight...
It's easy!

All you need is jugs!
All you need is jugs!
All you need is jugs, jugs...
Jugs are all you need!

Linzilla: What seems to be the problem officer?
Devo Cop: I'm going to have to write you a ticket for speeding, ma'am.
Linzilla: Aw, ... are you SURE you have to do that, officer? *boing boing!*
Devo Cop: ahhh, umm, I suppose, maybe just a warning this time... 
Linzilla: Great, cuz I'm LATE! 

All you need is jugs!
All you need is jugs!
All you need is jugs, jugs...
Jugs are all you need!

Gonna grab the globe right by the globes
And gonna utilize ALL frontal lobes!
There's nothing you can't be, I got the promotion instead of Steve...
It's sleazy!
(screw Steve!) 

All you need is jugs!
All you need is jugs!
All you need is jugs, jugs...
Jugs are all you need! 

All you need is jugs! (Where my ladies at?)
All you need is jugs! (Every boobie!)
All you need is jugs, jugs...
Jugs are all you need!

We love boobs, yeah, yeah, yeah!
We love boobs, yeah, yeah, yeah!

​

20. The Motorboat

Oh yeah!  

All right!  

My face is gonna be in some cleavage tonight!

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the World Motorboating Championship here at Nipsy's!  Now please welcome our three finalists for tonight's battle-royale:  Matty J. Moose, Insane Ian, and Dino-Mike!"

Love boobs!  Love boobs!  Love boobs!  Love boobs!

Between the breasts... you place your face... and enjoy all the sounds...
You'll make!

​

21. Her Mammaries

Her mammaries are pretty nice, boy,

but they haven't got a lot to say.

Her mammaries are really nice, boy,

did you notice she has a brain?

I know you're full of raging hormones and at times it can take over your world...

Her mammaries are pretty nice, boy,

but they never define the girl,
Oh no,
No they never define the girl.